[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*