Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.