Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*mops up wine with cat*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all