DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Last-minute gift idea!
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*