Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You Might Also Like
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.