Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
mmm onion ringos
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.