@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
@MommaWordsIt: My milk of magnesia brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, you sounded younger on the phone.
@rockymomax: [pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha
@riverpig12: Cats get a pass bc they're "Cleaning themselves". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!