[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too