They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
You Might Also Like
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
A small tragedy.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.