doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.