Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You Might Also Like
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.