Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?