DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.