Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
…u ok Nintendo?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them