DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
You Might Also Like
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
dads on road-trips be like
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.