DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.