They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean