I heard many of these stories growing up…. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hell hath no fury like me when I鈥檓 ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
me: i鈥檓 so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they鈥檙e quiet
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.