Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Muppet Screams
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.