Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*