People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
just make the entire table out of coaster
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
“No way.” -Jose
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what