Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes