*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.