Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
some things should go without saying
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
That’s classic.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant