DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
You Might Also Like
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
i wish i could marry a nap
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN