“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you