doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?