Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My Sentiments Exactly
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers