One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The Assassin.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Good dog. ❤️
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else