Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…