Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I hope this email punches you square in the face
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”