Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?