Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
much to think about
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.