Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.