Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.