Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.