Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
😅🤣😂
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.