Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*