Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey