Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You Might Also Like
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage