Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
That’s it.I’m out.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL