DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?