DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age