DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
You Might Also Like
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.