Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
the battle rages on
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Stop being racist to kettles.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery