doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
and this one
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I occasionally drink every single night.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac