doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said