doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.