DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
こいつ天才
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying