Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I hate when that happens.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
A tragic love story in two pictures.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.