An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
#ParentingFacts
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
this is so top tier i cant